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Supreme Court Outlaws Self-Pleasuring Devices
In a 6–3 decision, the conservative majority upholds the 1873 Comstock Law making it illegal to send obscene objects through the mail.
Reader advisory: This piece contains sexual content some may find lewd, obscene, blasphemous, or offensive. If you’re concerned about this, now would be a good time to disengage.
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In hindsight, the decision to ban sex toys was inevitable.
First came the high court’s Dobbs decision in June 2022, which overruled Roe v. Wade, removing the federally guaranteed right to abortion, which had been established law for 50 years.
At that time, two of the court’s most conservative justices — Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas — indicated that the Constitution does not guarantee the right to privacy. And they were right. Those words simply do not appear in the document.
All of the court’s decisions regarding privacy are rooted in the idea of “substantive due process.” That includes contraception, same-sex marriage, and even gay sex itself, which used to be called sodomy.
Unfortunately, the words substantive due process do not appear in the Constitution either. Oh snap!
Since the 1930s, the courts have used substantive due process to interpret the 5th and 14th Amendments to include rights of personal autonomy not explicitly enumerated in the Bill of Rights. This was stuff generally considered to be fundamental to American life based on history, tradition, and evolving social norms.
But that was then. This is now.
Thanks to the three strict constructionists appointed to the high court by the twice impeached and criminally indicted Donald Trump, nearly 90 years of legal precedent is now up for grabs.
The ruling claimed the FDA had overlooked significant safety concerns. But mainly, the judge relied on the long-dormant Comstock Act of 1873, which makes it illegal to send lewd or obscene materials through the mail, including writings or instruments pertaining to contraception and abortion.
It was only a matter of time before they went after the dildo.
According to Chief Handmaid Serena Killjoy, “We believe self-pleasuring is the cause of rampant immorality. For generations, American women knew nothing about orgasms. Few could even pronounce the word. Most had never even had one. Those who did, usually experienced it by accident.”
According to Killjoy, the forbidden fruit alluded to in the Old Testament was a metaphor for orgasm. The snake tempted Eve by slithering all over her nakedness, concentrating mainly on sensitive areas. A forked tongue can do amazing things when guided to the right place. Apparently, all this playing around excited Eve’s pleasure centers until the inevitable happened.
When Adam saw her writhing on the ground with her eyes rolled back, he said, “Damn baby, what’s got into you?”
“It’s the devil,” Eve said. “I know it looks funny, but ain’t nothing wrong with it. Here, let me share this here snake with you. You’re gonna love it.”
And in that moment, explained Handmaid Killjoy, sodomy was born. All of our troubles go back to the original sin of self-pleasuring, she said.
God’s gift to the originalists
Fortunately, the Comstock Law of 1873 gave white Christian nationalists the legal precedent they needed to put an end to such excess. Self-pleasure, they argued, was more addictive than cocaine and nicotine. It stimulates the brain’s mesolimbic dopamine system, its reward pathway. Sending these devices through the mail violates the law. They are lewd and obscene and are also against the Bible.
“There are people using sex toys in movie theaters and while waiting for the traffic light to change,” Killjoy said. “Tesla drivers are self-pleasuring on the interstate while the car is on auto-pilot. Butt plugs and personal lubricants are flying off the shelves. People who never gave a thought to going anal now try it out with devices purchased online.
“We believe self-pleasuring has turned America into a polyamorous sex-crazed society. During the pandemic, things really got out of hand. Isolated and alone, Americans brought personal arousal sites like OnlyFans to the mainstream.
“Famous women like Gwyneth Paltrow and Dakota Fanning released their own line of sex toys. And in Canada, which usually keeps its legs crossed regarding America’s junk culture, sex-toy sales increased by 25%. During the pandemic, employees working from home even learned how to pleasure themselves during Zoom conference calls.
“We believe self-pleasuring is a gateway drug to other behaviors prohibited by the Bible. Things like gay marriage, grooming, and sex-change operations. For the sake of our children, we must put a stop to it.”
With these words, Handmaid Killjoy worked herself into a frenzy.
But she refused to seek release and chose to sublimate instead. She channeled her own excitement into the legal challenge that began in Texas and eventually reached the Supreme Court.
In the case of Smile Maker v. Citizens United for Whiter Sex, the court’s conservative majority ruled that the restrictions of the Comstock Act extended to personal pleasuring devices. Going further than it did in the Dobbs decision, which left abortion regulation up to the states, the court said safe havens were not allowed and any attempt to transport the devices using UPS, FedEx or other national carriers would be punishable under federal law.
“We kinda saw this coming,” said Dr. Hilda Goodbody of the TransAtlantic Hospital Group. “Ever since the court’s decision, we’ve seen more cucumber cases in our emergency rooms.”
“That’s what we call all cases that involve food or household objects that disappear inside one orifice or another. Tampons. Batteries. Flashlights. Zucchini. Yellow squash. Wooden flutes. Water guns. Rosaries. Hot dogs. Sausages. We had a hell of a time last week removing Olive Garden breadsticks from one patient. This morning, we had to resuscitate a woman who nearly drowned herself under a bathtub faucet. She forgot to pull the plug before making happy with herself.”
Dr. Goodbody stated that this was an unnecessary and expensive waste of medical resources.
“You can’t turn back the clock on social norms,” she said. “The Dobbs decision didn’t stop abortions. People who couldn’t get to safe-haven states still had them in back alleys or relied on do-it-yourself methods from coat hangers to cocktail concoctions that usually ended with having their stomachs pumped.
“Now with the Whiter Sex decision, we’re seeing the same thing in the bedroom. Sure, some anti-feminists may be okay with Eisenhower-era sex. Especially if it makes them feel holy. Like they’re doing God’s will. They believe they’ll get their true reward in heaven. But we see them here at the hospital too, lining up for prozac and valium before heading off to the liquor store for tequila and orange juice.”
Since the Whiter Sex decision, the FBI has reported increased trafficking of older contraband devices. The same networks used to transport stolen runaways for forced work in porn videos are now used to deliver self-pleasuring equipment made before the court’s ruling. All of the devices are delivered by land routes via courier. And of course, prices have skyrocketed.
“There’s a sizable black market for these things,” said one FBI agent, who asked to remain anonymous. “If you ask me, the Supreme Court just made a lot of bad people a whole lot richer. It’s just like Prohibition all over again.”
Asked if self-pleasuring devices will ever be legal again, the agent looked both ways before answering. “I hope not. Could I interest you in a vintage Greedy Rabbit? How about a Smile Maker 6000? Or a Womanizer XT? They’re from the most trusted network in America. Your friends at the FBI. What do you say, huh? What do you say?”
(Relax. This is entire piece is satire. But you knew that. Right?)
©2023 Andrew ‘Jazprose’ Hill
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