I Kissed a Girl, And All Hell Broke Loose

Spain's Football President Luis Rubiales has apologized for kissing a female player at the 2023 Women's World Cup. Why wasn't that enough?

Everyone is talking about how terrible it was for Luis Rubiales to kiss Jennifer Hermoso after Spain won the Women’s World Cup. Now in an exclusive satire for the Jazprose Diaries, he has a few things to say too:

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you, what is so wrong with kissing a woman at a moment of joyful exuberance? Especially if this woman belongs to a team that’s just won the first ever Women’s World Cup championship for her country.

What a week I’ve had. The week from hell. On August 20th, I was standing next to the Queen of Spain congratulating the winners. Now I am being scapegoated. They have suspended me. They want me to resign. They’re even investigating me for sexual harassment.

For a kiss I must give up my job? My livelihood? Holy Mother of God, I have three daughters to support. I have already apologized. I can understand a reprimand. But to lose my job? Come on.

“A kiss is just a kiss?” Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca via Wikimedia/Public Domain

In Spain, we have an old saying:

No hay que ahogarse en un vaso de agua. Basically it means, don’t drown in a glass of water.

In English, you would say, “Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.” But I like our version better. It describes perfectly what I am going through. I’m being persecuted over nothing. A kiss.

What is wrong with everyone? Doesn’t anybody remember Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca? “You must remember this — a kiss is just a kiss.”

This is not fair

In the first place, I did not like the kiss. Neither did the young woman. You have all seen it on TV. Does it look pleasant? Of course not. Not in the sexual way. Did I fondle and grope like I wanted to bed her? Of course not.

When she walked away afterwards, I patted her on the back. On the back. If my intentions had been dishonorable, I would have grabbed her buttocks. Or something worse, like the American president bragged about on Access Hollywood. But I did not do that.

There was no real pleasure in the sexual sense. The only reason this kiss is a problem is because it was captured on live television. And because other women in other cultures want to turn this into a Me-Too moment for Spain.

I stand up for my culture

This is Spain we are talking about. Here we kiss all the time. Usually, not on the mouth, but we kiss going and coming. Here we are always touching when we talk. We are a very physical country.

Spain is the home of The Alhambra. Of flamenco. Of the siesta. It is the country of Don Quixote. The home of matadors and the running of the bulls. This is the land of the legendary seducer Don Juan, the libertine immortalized by Moliere, Mozart, and Lord Byron.

On second thought, maybe Don Juan is not such a good example. After all, he goes to hell. Also, in the words of another American president, I did not have sex with that woman.

Why are they investigating me for sexual assault? Do I look like Bill Cosby?

Somebody got to her

The way I see it, what happened during “the kiss heard round the world” was like the night Will Smith slapped Chris Rock during the Oscars.

At first, the Fresh Prince was laughing at the bald-headed-woman joke just like everybody else. But when his wife cut her eyes at him, he changed his tune and decided to do what he thought others expected of him.

That’s what happened to me

Look at the video. Ms. Hermoso walked away from “the kiss” with a smile on her face. That’s why I thought it was consensual.

But later, after she heard how the rest of the world saw the kiss, she did exactly what Will Smith did. She changed her tune. Threw me under the bus. Said it was not consensual.

Women everywhere are calling it a “triggering” act because I took hold of her head. Triggering what? Past sexual abuse? I had nothing to do with that. You can’t blame me for what happened when you were sixteen.

Some are criticizing me for grabbing my crotch during the game. I find this hilarious. I grabbed my own crotch — not hers. Michael Jackson grabbed his crotch all the time, and people loved him for it. Oh wait, maybe that’s not such a good example either. 

Anyway, this is not about me

It is about my poor mother, who locked herself inside a church, refusing to eat. And it is about the culture of Spain.

You outsiders cannot come in here and force your ideas of morality and behavior on my country. Here, we are not like the feminized men of the United States.

And I am not like Harvey Weinstein or Matt Lauer. I did not lock women in my office at the Today show. I did not invite them up to my hotel room, show my naked body under a bathrobe, and demand sex in exchange for movie roles.

A difficult moment

Admittedly, the World Cup incident occurred at a difficult moment for the men of my country. Last year, the government passed a new law, which people are calling the “Only Yes Means Yes” sexual consent law.

This law reverses the long history of male-female relations in Spain. It makes it easier to prove sexual harassment, too, not just sexual assault.

Do you know why we have this law? It’s because five stupid men raped an 18-year-old girl during the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Also, because a stupid judge only found them guilty of stealing the victim’s cell phone. Instead of rape.

So now we have this new law. Only yes means yes. We also have something else. The age of consent has been raised from 13 to 16. Because five other stupid men raped a 14-year-old girl in Manressa but were only charged with the lesser crime of sexual abuse. Instead of rape.

These were terrible things, and I’m afraid they have done irreparable harm to the long tradition of Spanish machismo, which goes back centuries. Now every little thing will be looked at. Soon you will not even be able to wink at a woman without her blowing a rape whistle. Spain is the country of romance. But we are becoming just like America. The next thing you know, our beloved siesta will be gone too.

It is a sad day for Spain

A time when we should be celebrating our first FIFA Women’s World Cup victory.

And instead everyone is talking about me. And my poor mother starving herself to death inside a locked church.* All because I kissed a girl in front of the whole world. She didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. And to be honest, I like it even less now.

*His mother has been released from the hospital following her hunger strike and will not be allowed to lock herself in the church again.

©2023 Andrew Jazprose Hill/All rights reserved

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