Lauren Boebert Is Hot

She played a key role in the political emasculation of Kevin McCarthy. But what happens if allegations that she had abortions turn out to be true, after all?

Lauren Boebert 2022. Photo by Gage Skidmore CC 2.0 via Flickr

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Colorado’s gun-toting Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has become a political dominatrix who only wants what’s best for America.

Who says you need a whip and thigh-high boots to make men drop down on all fours and beg? Who says you need a college degree and a mile-high resume to throw your weight around with the big boys?

That stuff is old cheese. Times have changed. Lauren Boebert, the 36-year-old high-school dropout who helped stymy Kevin McCarthy’s path to House Speaker for five days and 15 ballots is proof.

You don’t need a whip or a black latex body suit. All you need is a bargaining lever, an eye for opportunity, and an understanding that the hand you’ve been dealt by Mother Nature will not last forever.

Face it: Lauren Boebert is hot. And like it or not, you’ve got to admit she’s got moxie.

Not only did she and a coterie of Freedom Caucus holdouts manage to hold up the mostly pro forma business of selecting a Speaker of the House for the first time in 100 years—she refused to reverse course when her “favorite president” urged her gang of 20 holdouts to get on with it.

You gotta look at someone like that and think, Wow!

Where does an uneducated woman raised in the welfare system get the bowling balls to pull off a stunt like that? There’s no explaining it, except to say she’s hot.

Then there’s her gun. That’s hot too. You don’t have to be from Vienna to catch the Freudian implications behind the pistol-packing get-up the Congresswoman wore at her recently closed Shooters Grill in Rifle, Colorado. Photos of the former restaurateur posing with staff members in T-shirts and Daisy Dukes looks vaguely reminiscent of something else. Hooters with guns, perhaps?

But I’m just guessing.

And it doesn’t matter anyway. Because for the moment at least Lauren Boebert, who was re-elected to Congress by a razor-thin margin of 546 votes, has the power to make speeches from the floor of Congress and appear on TV shows as diverse as Fox and MSNBC.

On MSNBC’s 11th Hour, Stephanie Ruhle reminded the Congresswoman that fellow Republican Dan Crenshaw said he thought Boebert was the enemy. That she was holding things up for the sake of attention. “And let’s be honest,” Ruhle added, “you’ve never been on with me before.”

Boebert waited till the end of the interview to get back at her: “You are such a failure,” she said in a parting shot that felt so…high school.

What we witnessed during the in-party showdown at the beginning of the new Congress is the latest installment of the far-right attack on establishment Republicans, which began with the Tea Party Movement in 2009. Back then, Tea Party conservatives wanted three things:

1. An end to excessive taxation;

2. A limit on government intervention in the private sector (aka regulation); and

3. Stronger immigration control.

Those three demands have never gone away.

They’ve been kept alive on conservative TV and radio programs and in the conservative press, which have succeeded in branding establishment Republicans—Democrats, too—as hostages to the wealthy donor class. And in 2015, a contingent of the Tea Party known as the Tea Party Caucus succeeded in pushing John Boehner to resign as Speaker of the House.

How did they do this? They did it with something called a Motion to Vacate the Chair. The same parliamentary maneuver that was central to this year’s attack on Kevin McCarthy by members of the Freedom Caucus.

That Motion to Vacate is not the only concession Boebert and other holdouts required in exchange for their votes.

Though the full list is unknown as of this writing, here are some of the items on their wish list: (Update: Check the comments section for the final list of concessions.)

• They want a vote on term limits.

• They want the Speaker to bring any topic to the floor if 20 percent of the caucus is in favor of it.

• They want to change spending rules so that any new spending would require cuts in order to be approved, the so-called CUTGO rule. At present, House rules allow for new spending as long as it can be offset by other budgetary adjustments. This is known as the PAYGO rule.

• They also want any new tax increases to be approved by a super majority, three-fifths of the House instead of a simple majority.

• And finally, they want members of the Freedom Caucus to be placed in charge of more committees. At present, they have only one committee chairmanship.

Boebert and the other holdouts believed so strongly in this wish list, they opted to hijack Congress. But they did it to save America. Still, now that they’ve managed to extract these critical concessions from McCarthy, they have succeeded in emasculating him politically. After five days and 15 ballots, he won’t be Speaker of the House. He’ll be a figurehead with the Sword of Damocles hanging over his head every single day.

This is a feat that will go down in history.

And Lauren Boebert will be written into it. Because she is hot. At the moment. She knows the value of a bargaining lever and has used it to fullest possible extent.

At only 5’4” she’s a tough cookie and deserves props for that. She may be one of the most ignorant, least qualified individuals ever to reach the national stage. Known for comments like, “I’m tired of this separation of church and state junk.”

In a world where celebrities like Stevie Nicks say they couldn’t have achieved success if they hadn’t opted for an abortion, Lauren Boebert did a morally courageous thing. When she got pregnant in high school, she dropped out and had the baby.

Years later, she completed a GED. Now she’s in Congress, and everybody knows her name. She and her husband are on track to earn a combined income of nearly a million dollars this year.

On the surface, it’s a beautiful story of how God has rewarded the born-again anti-abortion Christian.

But last year, a liberal super PAC claimed that Boebert actually had two abortions and even worked for an escort service. She vigorously denied the claims, and the super PAC has since admitted that its original report had numerous factual errors.

Nevertheless, it maintains in a new lawsuit that the main charges about Boebert’s alleged abortions are based on multiple interviews with former friends, colleagues and Republican political operatives.

If the legal discovery process proves the allegations to be true, it would upend the narrative upon which she has staked her entire political career.

But would it change her opposition to same-sex marriage, sex-reassignment surgery for minors, green energy, and COVID-19 mask mandates—and oh yes, abortion?

Would it convince this tough cookie there’s no evidence that the 2020 election was stolen? Would this born-again Christian turn to God for the answers to these other issues that have defined her political life?

While we wait for time to reveal the answer, it’s best to remember that Lauren Boebert is not the kind of woman to get pushed around easily.

She stood by her man Jayson Boebert when he was found guilty of exposing his tattooed penis to two women in a bowling alley. She stood by him again in 2004, even though she had to call the cops on him during a domestic abuse incident in which he “did unlawfully strike, shove or kick ... and subject her to physical contact.

And when she got to Congress she did the right thing—and voted against the Violence Against Women Act.

This is a woman raising four sons, not an easy task. She’s been surrounded by testosterone for a good chunk of her life. And there’s not a man in Congress she’s afraid of. Her moment on the national stage may be brief and its candle destined to burn out quickly.

But for the moment, at least, Lauren Boebert is hot.

©2023 Andrew ‘Jazprose’ Hill

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