How I Found Peace without a Glock

Right-wing radio made me feel like a tiny-dong character in the ‘Glass Onion.’ Then the Universe showed me a better way. (Caution: Spoilers ahead!)

Glass Onion: Dave Bautista (L) & Daniel Craig (R). Screenshot by author (fair use)

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This morning,

I was reminded that Sigmund Freud never said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” But he did say the compulsion to own guns stems from an unconscious desire to compensate for a small penis. Also known as TDS—Tiny Dong Syndrome. In other words—duh!—a gun is a phallic symbol.

You wouldn’t think a big dude like Dave Bautista’s Duke Cody in the Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery would need to strap a firearm between his legs while strutting around the pool wearing only a Speedo and his tattoos. You wouldn’t expect him to whip it out and fire a round into the air for no apparent reason, either. But that’s what he does.

This is not a throw-away detail.

Duke’s muscle-man body and individually flexed pecs are not enough to compensate for his inadequacies. He pimps his girlfriend to their obscenely rich host whose support he needs to regain his status as a social-media influencer—and the income that comes with it. That’s how desperately inadequate he is. That’s why he needs that gun. And lacking all subtlety, that’s why he wears it between his legs.

“That is quite a piece,” says Daniel Craig’s character while sipping his drink.

As the comically southern detective known as Benoit Blanc, Craig is the most powerful man in the movie. But he keeps his pecs covered by a striped button-up shirt in that same swimming pool. We’ve seen his chest already in the James Bond franchise. We know what he’s got. So does he. No need to show off. Daniel Craig doesn't need a gun in these Knives Out movies, either. Popular sayings to the contrary: When you’ve got it, you don’t have to flaunt it.

I was raised in a religious home

and was brought up to believe that those who live by the gun die by the gun. If someone slaps you in the face, you should turn the other cheek. You don’t see Jesus whipping out a Smith & Wesson during the Stations of the Cross. You don’t see Buddha pulling out a Colt 45 under the Bodhi Tree. Or Lao Tse twirling a Glock cowboy style while sitting by the river.

For a long time, those guys were the three men I admired most. Lately, however, I’ve been persuaded to rethink all that.

When my family and I left the theater

after seeing Glass Onion over Thanksgiving weekend, it took forever to exit the parking lot at Atlantic Station. Traffic was being rerouted because of a shooting that killed two teenagers outside the popular “live, work, and play” destination in downtown Atlanta. Blue lights. Cops. EMT units. Flashlights waving us toward the detour. The works.

But it wasn’t that incident or the Glass Onion’s Duke Cody, which convinced me to buy a gun. It was conservative radio, which I’ve been listening to lately in order to understand—really understand—why its such a compelling influence on nearly half the country.

What I’ve learned so far

is that these stations air commercials for guns. Something I’ve never seen on mainstream media. And just like any commercial, they’re really good. And really slick too. Like something Don Draper might dream up on Mad Men. You gotta have one of these things, they tell you. It’s a dangerous world. You have to protect your family. Also, it’s your right as an American citizen. And don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s not.

It’s amazing how this kind of messaging takes hold if you hear it often enough. You begin to feel like that little girl in The Help. “You is smart, you is kind, you is important.”

That’s what the maid played by Viola Davis tells her in that movie. Sooner or later that child may very well believe it. No matter how stupid, mean, and insignificant she may actually be. I mean, look at her mother.

Hashtag AR-15

Around the same time as these pro-gun commercials began to take hold, I ventured onto Twitter where #AR-15 was trending. Someone had posted surveillance video of four men trying to break into the home of a 72-year-old woman in a Texas border town.

The tweets claimed the men were migrants, but they looked pretty well-dressed to me. And more than sufficiently outfitted. Not at all like the videos I see of the mostly tattered folks amassing at the southern border, dragging their children behind them.

Anyway, the tweeters were saying the 72-year-old homeowner needed an AR-15 to defend herself. Because there was no way she could take down all four intruders quickly enough if they got inside her home. With 30 rounds in 30 seconds, the AR-15 would drop all four faster than you could say, Title 42, Baby!

All these messages were getting through.

Maybe I needed a gun after all. One quick check of my NextDoor app—and I could see that most of my neighbors already have at least one. But with so many firearms to choose from, which one should I buy?

Fortunately, one of the tweeters on the AR-15 hashtag said the Glock 40 MOS would be the best option for the old lady. It weighs only 32 ounces instead of the AR-15’s 6.55 pounds. And the Glock’s 15 rounds is more than enough.

Also, it’s a handgun. The AR-15 is 39 inches long. The Glock is only six inches. You can strap it between your legs and whip it out from time to time. Like Duke in the Glass Onion.

By the way…

The movie is so much fun, you almost miss how serious it is. I’m still thinking about the subtexts that may not occur to you until after you’ve left the theater. Daniel Craig may be the star, but it’s Janelle Monae’s movie. This is a film in which a Black woman has agency.

This is a film that tells us perception often lies. It’s a movie that says all the precious achievements of human history will come to nothing if we don’t figure out how to save the planet. And it does all of this without hitting us over the head with the message.

It’s definitely better on the big screen, even if you have a 70-inch Samsung at home. So much iconic art, so many great costumes, such terrific sets. Even the cameos have more impact on the big screen. Not just the ones with Serena Williams, Yo-Yo Ma, and Ethan Hawke. There’s a Zoom call that includes squared images of Stephen Sondheim and Angela Lansbury. In the theater, they’re identifiable right away, and you’re reminded, sadly, that both have passed on since the movie was filmed.

Also easily identifiable are the film’s two obvious nods to Agatha Christie. The first is And Then There Were None, which strands a passel of characters on an island. The second is The Mirror Cracked from Side to Side, which involves a sleight-of-hand murder. When I saw the film at home weeks later, I missed that all-important hand-trick even though I caught it right away at the theater.

But the device works either way.

Because the scene forces you to rethink the evidence of your own eyes, substituting a repeated lie for the actual event.

“What is reality?” screams a befuddled Kate Hudson, who gets some of the best one-liners of the film as the ditzy blond model Birdie Jay.

What, in fact, is reality. That’s what I began to wonder after listening to conservative radio. I mean, the talk-show hosts keep telling me the January 6th attack on the Capitol was not an insurrection but “legitimate political discourse.” They tell me crime is on the rise in Blue States because Democrats are soft on crime. But fact-based research consistently shows that Red States with weak gun laws have seen a much larger surge in gun crime.

Those are just two examples of the kind of thing I heard over and over as I tried to understand the messaging on these so-called conservative outlets. When false statements get repeated with lots of emotion, does that make them true?

The thing is,

I was not immune to its power when it came to guns. I searched out places to buy a Glock 40 MOS in case I ever need a piece while swimming. I found one on sale just before Christmas for only $729.

Unfortunately, the store was closed, and I had to wait until the following morning. That night, I picked up a copy of a book by Louise Hay (Meditations to Heal Your Life), which I like to open at random from time to time. The practice is called bibliomancy. Here’s some of what it said:

I choose a peaceful way of life. Peace begins with me. If I want to live in a peaceful world, it is up to me to make sure I’m a peaceful person. No matter how others behave, I keep peace in my heart. I declare peace in the midst of chaos or madness. I surround all difficult situations with peace and love. I send thoughts of peace to all troubled parts of the world.

The message was impactful.

But I don’t think Ukraine believes it can defeat Russia by sending peaceful thoughts. No, the difference between that terrible unprovoked war and what I hear on the radio is this. People with influence are telling us to be afraid when we should be looking for ways to communicate.

Afraid of migrants and Blacks. Afraid of gays and lesbians. Afraid of books. Afraid of the IRS. Afraid of government itself.

Buy a gun to protect yourself, they tell us. It’s the only way to keep profits pouring in for gun makers who made hundreds of millions in 2022 alone. They racked up this fortune as more than three thousand people were shot in mass shootings this year, resulting in the death of at least 637 people.

Louise Hay’s meditation on peace felt like a gift from the Universe. It’s probably not enough to dissuade many who suffer from Tiny Dong Syndrome. But it was enough to shake me out of the fugue state that had me convinced I need a Glock.

It’s a nice piece alright. But not as nice as “Peace Piece” by Bill Evans, which I listened to after coming to my senses. Trust me: It’s a much saner way to begin a New Year.

Here’s wishing you a happy and blessed 2023. Thank you for your engagement, encouragement, and support during the past year. See you again soon!

©2022 Andrew ‘Jazprose’ Hill

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