Is Lauren Boebert Still Hot?

What if vaping-gate wasn't her fault? Should getting kicked out of 'Beetlejuice: The Musical' cost her the next election?

Hot enough for ya? Lauren Boebert Photo: Gage Skidmore Wikimedia Commons

In January of this year, I wrote a piece called “Lauren Boebert Is Hot,” which referred to her as a political dominatrix in light of her role as a power player in the GOP’s protracted struggle to pick a Speaker of the House.

Some readers missed the tag labeling the piece as satire and weighed in on whether or not she was hot in a physical sense.

While her libidinal appeal may be a subject of debate, there was no question (in my mind) that the term hot certainly applies to the Colorado congresswoman if only because of the national attention she receives.

Now that she has once again earned the limelight at home and abroad, it seems fitting to raise this followup question: Is Lauren Boebert still hot?

The sorrow and the pity

In order to answer the question, we need to ask whether an apology raises the heat or lowers it.

Lauren Boebert has apologized. She is sorry for vaping, groping her date, and causing a disturbance during Beetlejuice: The Musical.

She is so sorry, she has apologized twice. But as with all apologies, one wonders if the real source of her contrition is what the incident may do to her chances for reelection in 2024.

There’s plenty at stake

For one thing, getting reelected for a third term means she will become vested in the congressional pension plan. Which means she’ll be able to draw a government allowance when she reaches retirement age. At 36, she’s got a way to go before that happens. But still.

When you win an election by only 546 votes, as Boebert did in 2022, you can’t afford to vape around in public.

Vaping-gate. The wrong thing to say

It doesn’t look good that the congresswoman said, “Do you know who I am?” when the usher asked her to leave the theater during a Sunday September 10th performance of Beetlejuice: The Musical.

Nor does it look good that she lied about vaping, blaming the vape-smoke on fog — only to be outed by surveillance video a few days later.

Hot or not, even those who love watching her traipse about in lucite heels and skin-tight dresses, toting her six-shooter, and demanding that President Biden be impeached may not be willing to vote for her again.

Photo by Chiara Summer on Unsplash

They might feel sorry for her though

After all, it’s not easy to go through a painful and public divorce. Her supporters might cut her some slack for that. And even if they still think she’s hot, they may still decided not to vote for her.

Especially now that surveillance video shows that she and her date got so hot-and-bothered during the family-friendly musical they were unable to refrain from groping each other during the performance.

Her far-right followers might also wonder about her date for the night. It was Quinn Gallagher, co-owner of Hooch Craft. A cocktail bar, which has hosted drag shows and supported other LGBTQ+ events.

Which raises this question:

Why would someone who rails against the LGBTQ+ community, as Boebert has done, be going on groping dates with someone who supports drag?

It’s a fair question. But it’s also a free country. And perhaps Boebert’s relationship with Gallagher is part of her conversion therapy. From far right to queer ally, maybe?

The real cause

Some might be thinking that whatever was in that vaping-thing might have led to Boebert’s unseemly behavior. But that’s barking up the wrong tree. Even if you haven’t seen Beetlejuice: The Musical, most folks have seen the movie.

I mean, come on. Day-O! Day-ay-ay-o!

See what I mean?

Clearly, the real reason the congresswoman was not able to live up to her values had nothing to do with her divorce or the vape. It was because of Beetlejuice! The poor thing didn’t stand a chance.

Eye of the beholder

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we can at least agree on one thing. When your name becomes front page news for commiting the “high crimes and misdemeanors” of vaping, groping, and causing a disturbance — you are definitely still hot.

But for all the wrong reasons.

No one is enjoying Lauren Boebert’s Beetlejuice hotness more than Adam Frisch, her opponent in the last election. The man who lost to her by 546 votes. He’s been campaigning steadily and fundraising ever since.

Even before the congresswoman apologized for the second time, polling showed him leading Boebert 50 to 48.

With the GOP’s slim majority in the House of Representatives, they can’t afford to lose another seat come 2024.

As a result, Speaker McCarthy has issued a stern warning to all members. No Republicans will be allowed to see Beetlejuice: The Musical or even watch the movie until after the next election.

Anyone caught violating the new order will be forced to catch the next banana boat back to Hades where they belong.

©2023 Andrew Jazprose Hill

Thanks for reading.