Jake Paul Beats Tyson, But Alex Jones Is the Winner
As millions focused on the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson boxing match, Donald Trump picked the InfoWars founder to lead a powerful new communications oversight agency.
In a classic feat of misdirection worthy of David Copperfield, President-elect Donald Trump took aim at the free press while an estimated audience of 120 million focused on the boxing match between 27-year-old Jake Paul and a Mike Tyson 31 years his senior.
Trump’s move came in the form of a new cabinet-level position that gives former InfoWars owner Alex Jones broad oversight of broadcast and cable news operations as well as censorship authority over any publication deemed seditious.
Citing his long history of exposing threats to national security, Trump told a news conference Saturday, “No one is better qualified than Alex to defend America against the ongoing threat of seditious disinformation.”
Mr. Trump said the new agency is his best idea since Space Force and will be called the Bureau of Information, Thought Control, and Hegemony (BITCH).
Modeled on other cabinet-level departments like HHS and DNI, BITCH will monitor American communications at every level to ensure compliance with FoxSpeak, the de facto information portal of the America First agenda. FoxSpeak is based on an original idea by three-year-old Donald Trump but stolen by George Orwell for his dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty Four.
“Alex has been on my side since the very beginning,” Trump said during a Saturday news conference at Mar-A-Lago.
“I could not have won in 2016 if he hadn’t demonstrated that lies are not lies but a necessary rebuttal against inconvenient truth. Without him, I couldn’t have convinced half the nation in 2020 that evidence does not matter. All you need is emotion, the willingness to fight, and repetition, repetition, repetition. It also helps if you throw in a little merch—baseball caps, t-shirts, bibles, bitcoin, wristwatches. If you can’t give them truth, sell them merchandise,” Mr. Trump said.
For his part, Alex Jones looked relieved
“Mr. President, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to become the first chief of BITCH. I was on the ropes there for a while. The weaponized judicial system came after me the way you went after E. Jean Carroll.
“A jury of my so-called peers nailed me to the cross of bankruptcy for exercising free speech about the Sandy Hook shootings. All I did was call the incident a staged, false-flag, orchestrated by gun-control advocates, and a hoax in which no one died.
“The way I read the First Amendment, I have the right to say those things without being penalized $1.487 billion dollars. I still believe those 28 alleged victims are alive and well and hiding out on an island somewhere along with Elvis Presley, JFK, Jr. and Marilyn Monroe.”
Mr. Trump declined to say how much Mr. Jones would be paid as chief BITCH. But sources close to the president have indicated the salary will restore the Trump ally to full financial health.
Before taking questions from the press, Mr. Trump noted that Jones raised $650,000 to help finance the January 6th attack on the Capitol.
“They couldn’t put him in jail for that without putting Ginny Thomas and other patriots in prison too,” the President-elect said. “So I can’t pardon him the way I’ll be pardoning other wrongfully imprisoned patriots of that great day of love. But I can make things right for him financially. I believe this new role with do just that, while at the same time tasking him with something he’s already quite good at.”
The president and his new BITCH-chief took only a few questions during the news conference due to a scheduling conflict. They had a golf date and were already late for tee-time.
The first question came from Rachel Scott, a prominent African American reporter for ABC News.
“Mr. Jones, before the Sandy Hook verdict forced you into bankruptcy, InfoWars was banned from most online platforms—including Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, iTunes, and Google for abusive behavior and violating their terms of service. How can the American people be sure you won’t use your new role to exact revenge on those platforms and the press?”
“Bottom line—they can’t,” said Jones. “And neither can you, Black Girl. You’re a D-E-I hire, and after we pull ABC’s license for rigging the presidential debate and allowing you to be disrespectful to the president during the campaign, you’re gonna be back in the fields picking cotton, where you belong.”
No one asked any questions after that
And the news conference came to an abrupt close. Mr. Trump and Mr. Jones posed arm-in-arm for photographs, then the two fat men left for the links in a gas-powered golf cart.
The press was just about to leave when an elderly gentleman was seen chasing the golf cart on foot, wildly waving his hands over his head.
“What about me? What about me?” he shouted. “I lost my f*cking law license because of you! Now I’m bankrupt too!”
It was only when he fell to the ground that reporters recognized the disgruntled man as America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who still hadn’t discovered that the best way to dye your hair is to have it done by a pro. Or not at all.
By now, you’ve probably heard that The Onion bought InfoWars in a bankruptcy auction on Friday and plans to turn the conspiracy website into a parody of itself.
In other words, the satirical newspaper that once ran a front-page headline that said, “Holy shit man walks on fucking moon” just bought a disinformation website that claimed the moon walk never happened.
With partial financial support from Sandy Hook families who successfully sued Jones in court, The Onion deal still faces a hearing before a bankruptcy judge. But the company’s CEO believes the deal is secure. In a foretaste of what’s to come should the sale pass muster, he said:
InfoWars is an “invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses….With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal.”
It’s a line reminiscent of Woody Allen’s monologue in Annie Hall, “The food here is so bad. Yeah, and the portions are so small.”
The Onion’s media coup comes as welcome news to lovers of satire now that the New Yorker has jettisoned the wonderful Borowitz Report1 due to staffing cuts. Today’s post is part homage, part celebration, and part practice for the days ahead.
As The Onion’s CEO Ben Collins said in May of this year, “Disinformation has already won.” And he should know. Before taking the helm of The Onion, he covered disinformation for NBC news. The experience taught him an important lesson. If you cover disinformation, you’re also spreading it. The only thing to do is accept the new reality. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” he said.
What I’m discovering with today’s post is that satire tells the truth a lot better than merely stating the facts. As Matisse discovered during his revelation at the post office, facts are not the truth. To which I would add this: Facts are boring, satire is fun. So I hope you had a little fun reading or listening to my entry today. I certainly had a good time writing it.
©2024 Andrew Jazprose Hill
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Wow. You got me for a minute. But that’s because Alex Jones would fit in so well with his other picks. By the way. Have you read how Scotsmen are reacting to his golf course? Can’t wait for you to have a go at that one.
Andy Borowitz needs to make you a guest columnist.