Katie Britt Is Ready for Her Closeup!

Not everyone liked the Alabama senator's GOP rebuttal to President Biden's State of the Union Address. Here's her rebuttal to the haters.

Junior Senator Katie Britt during her rebuttal to President Biden’s State of the Union Address via NBC News Website

Hello, my name is Katie Britt, the junior U.S. Senator from Alabama. And I would like to take a moment to address the elephant in the room.

A lot of people online and on television have been saying that my rebuttal to President Biden’s State of the Union Address was really an audition—for the Number Two spot on his ticket in November.

Let me be perfectly clear.

I do not want to be Mr. Trump’s Vice Presidential running mate. I want to be Meryl Streep.

You haters out there have been trashing my rebuttal. You have criticized my beautiful green blouse and questioned my sincerity. You’ve even found fault with my lovely middle-class kitchen, which my husband and I just had remodeled to resemble the kind of kitchen every suburban mom can relate to.

But none of that bothers me.

My dear parents used to say, “Katie, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.”

Well, I’m here to say loud and clear that I can stand it. Otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to speak on behalf of the Republican Party after President Biden’s State of the Union Address. Before I sat down at that kitchen table in front of a national audience, I knew I might be subjected to hateful comments. Especially from you nasty liberals out there.

But I never expected anyone to criticize my performance.

I’ve looked at the videos. And I know my performance was exactly what it needed to be on this Academy Awards weekend.

Would I mind if Mr. Trump chose me—little ole me, who rose to prominence in just one generation; ain’t that America for you—to be his Sarah Palin? Would I mind that? Of course not. What an honor it would be to serve as the first Vice President from Alabama since William R. King in 1853.

(Sadly, Vice President King died from tuberculosis just one month after being sworn in. But at least he did Alabama proud. So far, no one from Alabama has ever been elected President of the United States. And I don’t mean to be morbid here, but with a 77-year-old—soon to be 78-year-old Boomer at the head of the ticket, there’s a chance I could even occupy the Oval Office.)

But all of that is neither here nor there.

My rebuttal speech was not an audition for national office. I was auditioning for Hollywood. Couldn’t anyone see what a fine actress I am?

Did you see how I went from being all smiles one minute, then turned on a dime to project real emotional feeling when I talked about that poor woman who’d been raped over and over and over and over again down at the border.

And what about how smooth I was when I did it again about poor Laken Riley, the nursing student killed by an illegal immigrant? How my voice broke and I nearly teared up when I said her murder made me fearful for my own innocent children. Come on, that was good stuff, wasn’t it?

What people forget is that I’m a millennial.

We know all about eye contact. We know how to use a camera. Did I study method acting? Of course not. I just watched a lot movies. Also Grey’s Anatomy and ER on TV. And OMG, do I love Dick Wolf.

And of course I use social media. I understand that emotion is the number one way to connect with strangers. If you get emotional, you don’t have to rely on actual facts.

That’s why I could get all worked up over Laken Riley—without having to mention all the people killed by white boys carrying automatic weapons. Why even bring that up?

After all, Dylan Roof, who killed 9 people in a Charleston church, was a legal white-American citizen born in this country. Payton Gendron was also white. He killed 10 people in a Buffalo grocery store, and he obtained his AR-15 legally. Kyle Rittenhouse was a legal white American. Ethan Crumbley was a legal white American high school student.

I could go on and on, but why should I be honest about that? My goal as spokesperson for the New Christian-Nationalist Republican Party is to blame Joe Biden’s failed border policies for the tragic death of a single white nursing student. Why point out that 47 people have been killed in mass shootings so far this year? Or that 656 innocent people died in mass shootings last year?

When I was running for the U.S. Senate in 2022

I told the good people of Alabama that “I have always unapologetically supported the Second Amendment, which our Founders wisely knew would stand as a check against the timeless tyranny of government. I believe Alabamians have a God-given right to bear arms, and I will actively fight for that right at every opportunity.”

Although I am not overtly seeking to be Mr. Trump’s running mate, I will always be indebted to him for elevating me to national office. After I became an election denier, siding with those who believe he lost the 2020 election due to fraud, he generously endorsed my candidacy for office. Without that man’s support, I’d still be polling at 2 percent instead of trouncing the opposition with 66% of the vote.

But as I have said, I was not auditioning to be the next Mike Pence. I’m not going to hang around for a top spot in Washington. I want Hollywood to notice me. I’m a good wife and mother. Sure, I’m also a United States Senator. But that’s just my day job.

I’m a really good actress too. And I don’t want to waste my dramatic skills on politics forever. I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Spielberg. Let’s do lunch!

©2024 Andrew Jazprose Hill | All rights reserved.

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